If Dolly-Khali were a couple, the show would have been called "Bigg Boss D-K".. no? :P

Braking News: Censor Board censors the use of 'Sheila' in Sheila ki Jawani. Farha ropes in Bobby Darling for the new version. Song to be called 'Dheela ki Jawani' :P

Whoever said, 'Bin maange MOTI mile...' Must have had a very fat wife :P

Lesson of the Day: Negativity Kills Creativity

Me: Ohh.. Hey Dude.. Hows you? Long time.
Friend's Friend: Sorry yaar, pehchana nahi.
Friend: Arey he is Gaurav, He was at KJ Som, Mumbai. Remember, he came home one day?
Friend's Friend: Ohhh yeahhhh... You came with BATLA right??
Me: *Stumped* i AM batla

Q. What's a prostitute who doesn't charge for sex called?
A. Missionary of charity :P

Braking news: inspired from sheila ki jawani, BSP launches its own campaign song. To be called Maya ki Masti :P

Braking News: Mollywood protests against #sheilakijawani. Set to launch rival item number called shakeela ki jawani ;)

With pamela entering bigg boss' house, now we have TWO very important reasons to watch the show. No? ;)

Come to think of it, a Happy Parents' Night is responsible for a Happy Children's Day :P

Dear Operations management graduate, "You are six sigma compliant" isn't exactly same as "darling, you are one in a millon"

Chunnu Munnu The do Bhai.. J&K par hui ladaai..
Jhagda sunn kar Pappa Aaye.. Dono ko do chapat lagaye.
Na aadha lo tum Chunnu beta, Na aadha lo tum munnu beta.
Aisa Jhagda karte rehna, Mera Thenga Chooste rehna.

*In loving memory of the THE president of the united states' visit to India

Nobody bothers about the old. Sab 60+ uncle logon ko Diwali ki hard-d**k shubh kaamnaayein :P #hawwjokeoftheday

Given my salary, today should be called Dhan-Taras instead. :( #happydhanteras

Rajni's laws apply to murphy

‎#Brakingnews: dibakar banerjee plans a sequel to LSD. Names it love, sex aur KLPD

Holding onto the most favorite thing, the sweetest one the king of the king.
You were the best I had, you were comparable to none.
A sudden push and the world shattered, rest in peace, oh my CK ONE :(

Har kamyabi ke peeche kisi ka haath hota hai. Aur Nakamyabi ke peeche kisi ki ungli :P

Niagara falls, viagra rises ;)

Baawara Mann Dekhne chala ek sapnaaa... Inception Dekhi aur confuse ho gaya :P

Braking news: maneka gandhi launches campaign against mosquito repellants.. Goes all out against allout

Braking News: Playboy gets inspired from Amazon's Kindle. Launches its own porn ebook reader. Calls it Fondle

'Normal' friendship follows 'normal' curve

‎38-27-36.. Now that's a medal's tally even bipasha would be proud of.

*Commonwealth games

Braking News: Pratibha Patil woke up all scared last night. Sources claim she saw a nightmare, Kalmadi calling her Shivraj Patil in the closing ceremony

I'm not a fan of tongue in chick humour :P

Babri Vs Ayodhya

Killings and Massacre all over, There is blood on our hand.
We keep fighting like children, just for pieces of Land.

Happiness seems to be lost, there are only screams everywhere.
This deafening sound of violence, which no more i can bear.

Doesn't matter where you belong, be it saffron or Green.
There are distances all over, To take the first step no one is Keen

I wish all this gets over pretty soon.
The dark night is over and we see the new moon.

The new day arrives when there is just love and no fight.
The darkness deep inside us is gone and let there be light

Why Commonwealth Games are not a National Priority

First things first, I think the games should not have been organized in the first place. There is absolutely no explanation (financial, political, social or otherwise) for India to host CWG or any sort of an international sporting event altogether. Neither am i talking about the delay nor the corruption. Neither the International Shame that has been bestowed upon us by the Dog Poo in the apartment Nor the Falling Cross Over Bridges. I am just asking a simple Question about Priorities. Why did we have to organize these games?

IF we are trying to promote a 'sporting' culture and 'Healthy Living' then can anybody tell me How many of Delhiites have actually visited Indira Gandhi, National, Jawahar Lal or any other stadium in the past 10 years!!! If you want people to take up sports, then build small sports complexes all over the city, where people can play with their families, Kids can take tennis/swimming lessons and we may have a healthier/sporty generation to follow.

If we wanted to 'show the world' that we had the caliber to pull off a 'Beijing'. Who are we trying to show off to? The commonwealth nations are british ex-colonies most of which (economics wise) do not have anything to boast of anyways. Only Canada and UK have a GDP higher than us anyways. What would it serve to host events for countries to show off our prowess to, who anyways are struggling their economic existence. If you have money to spend, then send that money to the African nations where people are fighting AIDS and actually need that money to save those lives.

If we wanted to build better infrastructure for the urban city dwellers, then Did we have to organize this 'Show Off' for 15 days and spend billions of hard earned money of the tax payer (especially when majority of tax receipts comes not from the builders/contractors/businessmen who don't file their tax returns but from a freaking salaried guy who gets his salary in his bank account and the Tax is already deducted at source, lest he indulges in any tax evasion)? Why not make things better for THAT guy? As a representative of THAT guy and being an 'urban delhiite', I care more about 15 mins reduction in my travel time to work and back without any traffic jams rather than a freaking stadium eating up energy in those floodlights which will be used for 15 days. When the whole locality is sitting in dark, because THEIR electricity has been provided to that stadium nearby, which they will never be able to even enter if they wanted to.

Let's get real guys. The fact is: we are laggards in almost every sport in the world. The only game we play or are 'reallly' bothered about is cricket. A Game that is played by 10 nations in the world, 5 of them in South Asia where more than 60%(i guess) population lives in rural areas. How many of us would actually know who won the maximum number of golds in last CWG or who is the world champion in Discuss Throw, Shotput, long jump, high jump, badminton, archery etc etc etc.

There is no shame, but just that we are not bothered about these sports (as of yet). So what do we do? Do we just ignore the people who play these games in India ? Absolutely Not. But Have we organized CWG for THEM or in belief, that people will start participating in these games, once they have seen these sports themselves in stadiums? I don't think so. Give the hockey team players the money that is promised to them, so that the millions of children who were thinking of joining the game, do not turn away thinking 'Khana kahaa se kahunga?' If you actually care about these sports/sports persons then give the bloody money to the sports authorities/bodies for training/coaches/nutrition and build up a redressal mechanism so that you can 'know' if the money is reaching them

Also, for all those who are thinking that the delay has been caused due to babu giri or red tapism. Think again. If we sleep for 4 years after the games are allotted to us and start working at the 11th hour, as i see it, i think its all intentional. The delay was not caused we are lazy people, but because we wanted it to get delayed. Panic infuses a sense of 'Lets just get it done at ANY cost'. When you stop bothering about the price, you just want to get it done. May be that can explain the high prices at which materials/equipment was sourced. But hey, i don't even want to talk about the corruption in this post. Even if you forget the corruption/international shame due to delays etc for one bit, where does it make sense to build these stadiums in the first place.

For the 'urban' types who are singing song of 'Infrastructural Developments' DUE to CWG. I ask this. What if the CWG was not to be organized in Delhi. Would the government waited till the olympics to provide us with the Delhi Metro or the flyovers or better roads or better lighting etc etc. Are these happening only because CWG are being organized in Delhi? If No, then why organize it. IfYes, then its an even shameful situation that we need to have an international gaming event and the 'sharam' that tourists will come and see our city as being dirty, so let's clean up and build some roads.

We got a Country where 60% population doesn't have food, electricity, water, irrigation, roads, transport, infrastructure in the rural areas and we decide to spend all of 30,000 Crores on building stadiums and purchasing toilet paper for Rs 4000 per roll !! What boost is this money gonna give to the rural development in the country. How are these games going to change anything for the farmers/laborers committing suicides everyday. How are these going to do anything for anybody i dont understand.

For those, who are sharing pretty pictures of the 'world class stadiums' built for the CWG because we should concentrate on 'the positive' and rubbish the 'negativity' spread by the Indian Media, I have a question. Why the hell media shouldn't? Isn't this what the media is for? Its not a makeup artist who would hide your acne through thick layers of make up. Its their job to show what's hidden? Who would have known of this corruption, if the media hadn't shown? Would the PM intervened if it was reported that its all 'hunky dorry' and India is 'shining'.

For those who have this 'Chalo yaar, ho gaya jo hona sa. Ab kam se kam Duniya ko toh apna gandh na dikhao' attitude and are 'proud' of the fact that we are hosting the games. I think this is why we suffer. If a Kid steals and the mom-dad hide him, he will do it again. I hope the 'kids' running our government bodies learn their lesson through this negative publicity and think thousand times before organizing olympics in the next 100 years

PS: I have like a thousand more things/arguments to write and mind you, i have not even mentioned anything on the corruption/international shame/delays etc as yet, but i know, most people hardly read the post, if its longer than a few hundred words. So will stop it now

Why people start drinking after break ups. Its better to have a heavy head than a heavy heart

Brakingnews: vivek oberoi signs sequel against sneha ullal. To be called "kyun katt gaya na." :P

Why people start drinking after break ups. Its better to have a heavy head than a heavy heart :)

Braking news: Apple launches new vacuum cleaner. Names it iSuck :P

With the way my career is moving.. No wonder the only drivers i have, are on my laptop :(

Whoever coined the term 'Hands on experience' was a big pervert... What the hell you are supposed to keep your hands on to get 'that' experience :P

Fuck big bang theory.. I would prefer a big bang PRACTICAL anyday :P

Friend: I just love shankar's dolls museum in delhi.
Me: Fuck shankar.. I would prefer a Hefner's dolls' museum anyday :P

With the way salman is being left by his girlfriends one by one. Soon he might be called solo-man khan. :P

Braking news: Arjun rampal out of kjo camp. Sequel to be titled we WERE family. :P

Fuck koffee with karan.. I would prefer some daaru with dharam instead :P

What!!!! Boca juniors is not the collective name for lalu's kids??? Like seriously????? ;)

No you idiot. Happy rakhi has got nothing to do with her winning some reality show!

Of course you are fat... coz the only thing running in your body is your nose !

Upar wala jab deta hai, to chappar phaad ke deta hai.. aur jab leta hai, to phaad deta ha

Braking News: Bindass launches a woman's channel. Names it as BINDIs. :P

George Screw Kas presents Star Whores. Starring Nude Skywanker, Hand Solo, Princess Ley Liya and Queen Abhi Dala

Dear FB, i don't want to be a Beta Tester. Beti Tester ka kaam ho to batana :P #hawwwcheapjoke

What did Sunanda tell Shashi?? Thoda aur Push kar :P

This rainy season Municipal Corporation of Delhi proudly brings to you. GUTTER WARS: REVENGE OF THE SHIT *releasing soon in a gutter near you :-P

Doesnt IT returns sound like a movie sequel? :-P

Thinks the all-out machine would be an amazing French kisser. ;) #getit

Braking News: Morgan freeman to start in nolan's next called INCESTION !!!! :-P

The kinda prices apple charges I think soon buyer will be called an iASS.

Dedication to ex-girlfriend:

Oh my love.. wherever I look, I see only you.
I wanna hold your hand forever, thats what I wanna do.
Oh my darling, I love you too because you're sweet, smart and funny.
But I'm gonna marry him coz he's got all the money
:-P

So what if 72 yr old Morgan decides to marry his 27 yr old step granddaughter. After all, he's a free man :-P

Braking news. Chak de sequel on the cards after kaushik resigns. SRK to take inspiration from his darr performance :-P

Braking News: Reckitt Benckiser buys Durex maker SSL.. To launch Antiseptic Condoms :-P

Imagine... One of the greatest philosophers in human history is called 'Confucius' !!!! #getit

Braking News : Cristiano Ronaldo slaps k'naan after listening wavin' flag. He says,'Why wave the flag, when you can flag the pole' ;) #getit

As a principle,I never wish any guy friend 'good night sleep tight' ;-)

Q. Why does simpoo respect zinedin zidane so much?
A. Coz he thought he was his zizou ;-)

WTF!!! And all those years i thought STANDARD was a symptom for breast cancer.. #useyourbrainspj

And i thought BCC was two hindi gaalis spoken in quick succession !

If you have the will, you will..

WTF!!! The song Bheegi Si Bhaagi Si is NOT inspired from a hidden cam scandal !!!! like seriously???

What??? 'Faggot' is NOT a slang for Smokers??? like seriously??? ;)

After your third relationship, Can you call the first one your 'Triple X'

Thinks the expression should not be dead tired but f**k tired. For obv reasons..

As a principle,I never wish any guy friend 'good night sleep tight' ;-)

The only sona i m gonna get on this akshay tritiya is on my bed :(

Nothing seemed right & u wer al alone.
Everything looked dark & d hapines ws al gone.
Somethin ws mising, Somethin ws not there.
Things were not great & life just dint seem fair.
A door opened & the room was filled with light.
A silhouette walked in & everything became alright.
Everything just changed in an instant, i have no idea how.
Wish time stops here coz i want to live in this moment right now

No you pervert. SOS doesnt stand for Spit Or Swallow !!!!!

Wonder if Ricky Martin, George Michael and Elton John are Homo-genius

Did mandakini drink limca before ram teri ganga maili???? ;)

You're driving at ease and a hot babe zooms past.
You also speed up and start driving really fast.
You push down the accelerator and forget there's a pedal for brake.
Somehow, before the next redlight you just manage to overtake.
Your hand reaches for your hair and you start giving a 'cool' pose.
You look in the rearview mirror and she starts picking her nose

Cant we ask Pollard to play from India in the T20 world cup??
Can't he marry say Karan Johar and become an Indian citizen

Braking News: Pepsi ropes in unemployed Pug from Hutch and launches new tagline 'Pepsi: Youngistan ka BOW'

Typical Facebook Profiles

A Few of the typical Facebook Profiles that i have noticed in the past one year. If at anypoint you think that i had you in mind while writing any of these. You are right. Tag your friends and let them wonder what profile they fit into ;)

Mush Maniacs: Girls (sometimes guys too) who would put keep putting those 101 love quotes from the Internet mostly depressing. I am glad you are there. You are the best thing happened to me. There is someone special someone for you types. Typically they will tell the whole world who their boyfriend/girlfriend is through all those Heart signs,

Desperate Dickheads: Poor Guys who have never been able to lay their hand (both literally and figuratively) on a Gal and will keep copying Double Meaning Quotes from Internet to attract some attention (in any form good or bad) so that atleast somebody notices. There is another High Un-Yielding Variety of this type, which would generally have 'I Hate Love' updates. Love is for losers. I am better off being single. No Time for Love. But one look at the profile pic and you know you have seen one. Typical Fan Pages : Proud to be Single types.

I, Me, Myself: Typically this type will have more than 1000 photographs in 20 + albums whose titles are generally on the lines of Random Stuff, Just another Day Shopping, Me and My Friends, Cafe Coffee Day. There would be more than 100 profile pictures and 90 of them will be self clicked with a camera phone and occassionally with another friend in the frame. The location generally would be a coffee shop or can even reach Mall Washrooms (especially if girls). The Status updates would generally be 'Attitude' Quotes. I don give a f*ck about your existence. Typical Fan pages include I was not placed on earth to please you. Games Played : Society or Sorority Life

I am so glad i got a girlfriend(somehow): Another variant of the Mush Maniacs but with the profile pic. Will have 20 albums posing with girlfriend in Malls, Cars, Markets.(Thank God no Loos here). The profile pic will typically be a close up self clicked shot with camera phone held high showing the biggest achievement of his life being held from behind almost as if she is gonna run away ;)

Everyone else is a loser: Slightly different from the 'I-Me-Myself' type. Typically they will never 'like' any update but always try to find flaws in whatever is written. Next day you could have a diametrically opposite update but still he will find some counter argument there too. More often than not, they will never post something themselves but will just comment on every single update from others'. The 'Nay Sayers', 'System Sucks', 'India is going to the Dogs' are some cross breeds of the same type.

Super Stalkers: They have not had a single status update in the past 3 years. Would not playa any game. Will not do anything. Will not even have a profile picture. Generally are single and Dont go out at the weekend. Will just stay back. Log on early morning and will only browse through your updates (or pictures if you are a girl). They will know exactly what is going on in your life. They might not know which company you are working for but they will surely know how many girlfriends you have had in the past 3 years or anything you bought in the last one month.

Farmville Fools: NO.. Absolutely NO updates apart from 'I need a . Please send' types. Will just log in in the morning. Sit in the Chat window for the whole day. Keep 'Farming'. Will never comment on anybody's status. Will not bother about whats happening around. Only two albums in the profile. One called Profile pictures which has ONE picture since the past 2 years and Other 'Farmville photos' updated almost every month. The profile pic can also have a shot of the farm sometimes. Apologies for using Fools but i am sure its better than 'F*ckers and you know i hate that game ;) (PS: it includes the Mafia Wars too)

Sports Freaks: The Status Msgs are filled with the latest score updates from EPL to IPL. Formula 1 to International Kabaddi World Cup. The word 'God' appears almost every fortnight. Thank God Facebook is only an Online platform or we could have seen some physical Brawls too. Frequently Used Words : Hail, Kick Ass, Woo Hooo, F*ck you , God, Dada Rocks

The 'TGIF' kinds: Typically they will only update two times a week. One on friday evening saying 'Yiiipppppie the weekend is here' and then sunday Evening saying 'Damn.. Why does the weekend run away so quickly'. They will never do anything in the middle. Will just sit at home and watch TV. They will never go out or do anything worth doing over the weekend but still be as excited as a child in a toy shop on friday. Sometimes, there could be a Saturday update saying 'Bored to Death' also present.

Pet Lovers: Yes, there are people who have Cats and Dogs as their profile pictures and also name them as an extended part of their family. There are a couple of albums with nothing but their pets in different attires (Even sunglasses) and the comments are almost on the lines of mush maniacs like awwww he is so cutttteeee, My koooochie cooo, etc etc.

There are quite a few others too like The Every hour updater (Which I would fit into), The Pseudo everything-er, The bored to Death, The 'Oh I am an NRI', The 'See i went to Thailand' types but i am too lazy to describing every thing right now

PS: Wrote it in about 20 minutes so might miss out quite a few other types too. Feel Free to Add. Start Noticing your friends now and see where they fit. Do let me know where i fit as well. and ya, its ALL in GOOD HUMOR. Dont stop 'liking' me now.. ;)

And i always thought Motion Gaming was played on a Toilet seat

Whoever said 'Behind Every successful man, there is a woman' got the cause and effect relationship wrong

What are you saying!!! FYI is not Fuck You Idiot ????? like Seriously???

Do DSP Black Rock Mutual Fund and DSP Black Whisky have a cause and effect relationship ????

Its as chilly as it gets and so foggy you can hardly see.

Your tanki is full and a thousand times in a day you pee.

You are dressed like an eskimo, but feels as if you are bare.

'Weather' is damn cold, but 'With her', do you seriously care??

With a State university called Dick-in-son.. No wonder the country is called the You Ass !!!

Shouldn't a Traveler's guide be called a Pathologist???

Are MACROman undergarements meant only for photographers???

No. I dont work at ABC corp. I am just employed there!

No wonder smart people are called intelli-GENT

Things a female guitar player will never say: "My G-String is not in tune"

Why one is only called a ditcher (read: Ditch-her) irrespetive of the gender

I think woman-kind is an oxymoron

If a girl is described as a hot chick. Can a guy be described as a hot Cock??

Not sure if you should be happy if somebody asks you to 'keep it up' ;)

Does Abhishek play Oonglicricket with Ash too

Wish there was a international woo-men day too

No wonder my favorite game is BED-MINTON!

Now i know why people say Every Dog has his day.. Coz nights are ruled by bitches you see!!

This holi may god give you pink health and save you from yellow fever.

You don't get green with envy or Red with Anger.

Nobody is able to beat you black and blue.

Even if you act as jerk, nobody throws a shoe at you.

May your dear ones are always in your sight.

May the next year be as bright as Tide(or Rin) white.

:-D

Happpie Holiiiii.....

Girlfriend : "What sucks more?? FB chat or Gtalk??"

Moron: "Wherever you are online" :-(

#PJsyoushouldnevercrack #fail

Would it help even if save all the 1411 tigers?? I think we should atleast save 1 tigress too. I'm sure the tigers won't mind.. ;)

I wonder if the birth rate in 'pondi'-cherry is higher than rest of india?

I wonder if 'IBN'-e-Batuta was sponsored by CNN IBN???

Q. Why did punjabi aunty slap the dentist? A. Coz he asked her to show her 'Batti-c' ;)

What??? iPAD is not a sanitary napkin by apple???

Its good to have friends who like it when You're around. But its better to have friends who miss you when you are not

Q. Why did Veer flop?? A. Nobody was 'Veer' enough to check out the movie even once.

No wonder Gujjus like 'Che na Murgi' so much !! ;-)

Q. What's a mobile called when no sim has ever been inserted in it?
A. A 'virgin' mobile ;)

lonavala chiki tagline: ajab prem ki 'gajak' kahani ;-)

Relationships are like books. You enjoy it till you're reading. But in the end, you have to turn the page and start a new one!

Strangers meet and quickly become friends.
Sometimes its different, others its like a normal trend.
Usually it happens in due course, sometimes with a rapid pace.
Yes, i'm trying hard But can't take that stupid smile off my face! :-)

Mathematician Bahu: 'Pi' Laagooon Sasu maa !!!

Hum to khud ke aks mein bhi unhe dhoonda karte the.
Kya karein 'gar hamein hi aainaa dikha diya gya!

Jude law and robert downey jr. Wtf! Sherlock holmes or sherlock homos..

Q. Name the only woman to have visited the moon twice???
A. Moon Moon sen.. ;)

Expectations are the rooftops through which friendships commit suicide!!!!

Q. Why should you be well read to avoid constipation?
A. Readers digest ! ;-)

No wonder knight riders got screwed in IPL.
Next season hope they 'ride' less at night!!!! ;-)

Friendships are like Bell curve, but better to be in the left tail than right !!! ;-)

WTF!!!! 'Che' guevara was not gujju????

God i wish the new year to bring all the smiles.
Keep it healthy and i travel many more miles.
Give a sane head but keep the restless of a child.
Keep the fire burning, energies at full and let it be wild.